I hate how much I love you

That’s how much I love you
That’s how much I need you
And I can’t stand ya
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for awhile
No.. but you won’t let me
You upset me, then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can’t remember what you did
Well I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right
And I hate how much I love you
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me
That’s how much I love you
How much I need you
That’s how much I need you
That’s how much I love you
That’s how much I need you
And I hate that I love you so--
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate that I love you so.. so..

some very important information

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If Children Had Wings

If Children Had Wings, ©1978 by Gordon Lightfoot

There's a love I hold dear
And it shines through each year
And it makes things seem different somehow
It's for better or worse
It's for people who thirst
For a love that burns brighter right now
And it shines on and on 'til all sadness is gone
And if children had wings I would sing them their song
With a smile on my face and a tear in my eye
Everything will be fine by and by
There were things that were said
There were things that were done
And a wife cannot stand too much pain
And what I thought was best
Couldn't please her much less
But my love still goes on, that don't change
And it shines on and on 'til all sadness is gone
And if children had wings I would sing them their song
With a smile on my lips and a tear in my eye
Everything will be fine by and by
And it shines on and on 'til all sadness is gone
And if children had wings I would sing them their song
With a smile on my face and a tear in my eye
Everything will be fine by and by

It's D-Day!

I'll be having a baby tonight. What will you be doing?
Kristen is calling tomorrow "big sister day" because she FINALLY gets to be a big sister. This poor kid has been waiting forever to be a real big sister. I only hope she knows what she is wishing for.
Yesterday, my friend brought over her 3 week old son and took a nap at my house. Once my friend got settled, Kristen said "Let's go take care of the baby." I had to explain that he is sleeping. No, we can't wake him up to hold him. No, he doesn't want to play with the pink baby doll. Sure, you can check on him again. Yes, he's STILL sleeping.
Poor kid.

weighing in on britney

how could i possibly have a blog without giving my opinion about britney spears' performance the other night on the VMA's? first i have to mention that i am a huge britney fan and have been since "baby one more time". i think the girl is amazing even still with all of these flubs in her career. i very rarely allow people to commit acts and get away with passing the blame onto others. however, in her case, i really feel like britney is getting shafted because of her fame. not one of us can imagine what it is like to NEVER be alone and always have people hounding you, trying to touch you, get a piece of you, make money off you, blah blah. i could go on all day. yes, she gets paid royally and that's lovely. but i bet you she would pay alot of money to just get some peace.
her performance the other night...she looked great physically but i have never once seen her nervous and i have seen alot of her interviews and performances. she looked absolutely like a deer in the headlights and i sincerely thought she would walk off the stage at some points. i felt really bad for her. her song was good though :)
i'll take my "normal" life over hers anyday.

a few things...

i got an email from my friend this morning that made me laugh. i won't embarrass claire by mentioning her name. it said:
"First rule of blogging - be sure to update for those of us who have no life outside of reading about other people's lives! I know you have NOTHING else going on, so come on!!! Love,Your loyal audience :-)"
funny. but i have actually been thinking of a few things to write. first of all, what is on my mind most is my appointment with my OB this morning. at my 36 week appointment, i asked her how big she thought the baby is. people keep asking and i keep forgetting to get that information. she tells me 7 pounds. i said NOW? yes. that is just her estimate. i said, isn't it true that the baby puts on a pound a week. yes. i have 4 weeks left. yes. at this point, you can visualize my look of complete shock and picking my mouth up off the floor. so i then reminded her that i had a 9lb. 9oz. baby last time and i DO NOT want to go through that again much less anything worse. she even looked concerned at this point. maybe she thought that i would pass out. she said that at my appointment next week, i should ask the doctor (she is the nurse) about all this and have her estimate the size and ask to be induced. she said there is a chance that she would induce me at 38 weeks. i will walk into that office next week hoping and praying that is what she says. unfortunately, i probably won't stop thinking about it until then. i can be so neurotic.

coupon sites

I want to share something really great that I found out recently. If you are planning on going somewhere for shopping, there are coupons for EVERYTHING on the internet. If you are shopping online, you would want the coupon codes for the payment page. You can find various codes for everything imaginable at http://www.retailmenot.com

If you are going to the store and need a printable coupon, use this site: http://printable-coupons.blogspot.com/

I have used both sites and saved plenty. I got about $150 off at Target.com last week. YAY!

baby's gestation update

Week Thirty-Four
Your baby acts completely like a newborn, with her eyes opened when awake and closed when sleeping. You may also find her settling into more of a routine for sleeping & awake times.
She has learned to blink. She can also see more clearly when there is a bright light on your stomach and probably has the outline of all your organs memorized!
Antibodies from your blood are being tranferred to him. These immunities continue to build until birth. Then breastmilk will add even more protection against disease.
Your baby may have already turned to a head-down position in preparation for birth. If he is your first baby, he may be settling into the pelvis with his head pressing against your cervix.
Fingernails have reached the end of the fingertips now. She may scratch her face even before she is born!
Your little one's length is 17.7 inches (45cm) and weight is 4.7 pounds (2146 g).

ps - this photo is not my actual child but rather an internet stock photo

baby spot

I had a baby shower yesterday and it was really fun... all of the ladies that came were so sweet and my few friends that threw it did an amazing job. I got a lot of WIPES and BLANKETS but lots of other good stuff as well.
Baby is still moving and grooving which I guess means she has plenty of room in there and doesn't need to bust out just yet. Still a woman in waiting! My body hurt so much by the time I went to bed, I was ready to drink a bottle of wine to relieve the tension. Of course, I didn't. I have a few family members visiting and so I planned to sleep in my daughter's twin bed and her on the floor next to me in a sleeping bag. As soon as the light went out, she was in that twin bed next to me. Can you imagine? Me and my belly and my sideways-sleeping daughter. After a few hours, I had enough and went down to the couch. To make a long story short, she ended up on the other part of the couch too, after a few middle of the night meltdowns. At one point, she was on the couch in her sleeping bad and because it's made of nylon, she slid off the couch and onto the floor while still in her sleeping bag. She was very much not happy about that. She didn't remember that at all this morning. I did. Is that fair???
She's had a hard time sleeping alone (or even just being without me while in the same house) since her dad died. I understand and have "catered" to this for the last 7 months but now I have to think about adding a newborn into the picture and that means weaning her from her clinginess. She is very unhappy about this but mostly so when it comes to sleeping times. She ended up crying herself to sleep for her nap this afternoon and I felt bad. However, it has to happen. Poor peanut!
My aunt and parents are still here though and I was able to get back to sleep this morning after all that hoopla and get some decent rest. Thank God for helpful relatives.

the turtle

yesterday, i was driving down my friend's road which is gravel and noticed a turtle that was almost in the middle of the road. i stopped my car, picked it up and put the turtle in my car to drive it down to the creek. no problem. this morning, driving to work and, coincetentally from the same friend's house, i saw another turtle on a different stretch of road.

this may seem like just a coincedence but the turtle is an important figure in my husband's family. his grandfather loved turtles and their ability to retreat when needed. in addition, several weeks ago, i was seeing turtles everyday in the middle of the road. when i finally stopped and picked one up, set him in the grass, i stopped seeing them. as mentioned, it started again yesterday. i am curious to know what this means for me. if you have ideas, click on "comment" under this blog and let me know.

after the last round of turtles, i did an internet search and here is what i came up with:

"Turtle teaches us to be careful in new situations and to be patient in reaching our goals. Turtle also teaches us to take things slow, for it gives us time to figure out if we need to protect our self or forge ahead. Turtle shows up in our lives when we need to go into shell and wait until our thoughts & ideas are ready to be expressed. He also teaches us to be adaptable to our environment so we can find the harmony within it."

now i get it

a few days ago, i had an epiphany. i realized something that i wished i had understood 4 years ago.
4 years ago, i got a call from an old friend with whom i was very, very close. he and i had dated but were also very good friends and "soul mates", a term we talked about then and i still feel true. maybe even more so today than 13 years ago. he called to tell me that he wife had died unexpectedly from a medical problem leaving behind him and their 3 month old son. he was very distraught and told me that he had been trying to get ahold of me for months. he had searched the internet, even paying money to try to find me. he clearly needed me. the problem was, in the years before this, i had tried to remain in touch with him but his wife did not feel comfortable with me talking to him since we had dated. it didn't matter that he and i lived 600 miles away from each other. as such, we didn't talk for years until he called me with the news of her death. she was young - maybe 22? and he was 25. i spoke with him about it that night and a little bit afterwards but held resentment about him not speaking with me for the previous 2 or 3 years.
i lost my spouse 7 months ago and since then, have had many dreams about someone i was close with (not the person mentioned above) and couldn't figure out why. when i told my mom about it, she said not to contact this person as i was simply looking for some familiar comfort and that was not an appropriate place to find it.
now i get it. my friend who lost his wife needed me for comfort and i was not there for him. he needed to talk to somebody who could understand his feelings without him necessarily saying anything. i could have been there for him and wasn't. my husband was supportive of me talking to him and helping him through it but i let my pride get in the way and did not help. i hope to God that i am not in this situation again but if i am, i certainly won't make the same mistake twice.

client

every now and then i will see a client that strikes me in some fashion and yesterday i had one of those. he was a man who was psychotic and seeing visions of his dead mother standing next to me as well as moses, peter and paul. when i asked him if it was the same moses, peter and paul from the bible, he smiled and said "how did you know?" as if i had never heard of them. i thought that was funny.
he had been abused by his father and was cowaring under a sheet as i approached him and asked me not to hurt him. i felt so sad for this grown man who was afraid of me and the nurses trying to help him. his abuse was so severe that, even as a grown man, he was still afraid his father was going to beat him with a switch.

be nice to your children. everyday. all the time. even when you don't feel like you can or you are too tired to give then your attention. what they see and feel today is what they become tomorrow. every adult has the ability to make a difference in the life of a child just by being kind.

geez.

i just finished the first part of my final exam in one of my statistics classes. my daughter was screaming upstairs and although the door was shut, she was still winning the battle in terms of noise. as a result, i scored a 63% on that part of the test. lucky, lucky me. part of me is surprised that i even did that well and part of me is furious because i know my stuff far better than that. that's single parenting at it's finest. trying to take online advanced statistics, pregnant, full time job and parenting a child who is afraid and/or resistant to sleep alone.
this is therapeutic. given that there is not another adult in the house, it's nice to vent. i rarely get to do that anymore and probably need it more than ever.
so much for the previous blog about avoiding work. apparently i should have been reviewing instead of writing.
could be worse...i could be in the state of my clients that i saw today. either one. i'll talk about that tomorrow.

First

This is a good deterent from work. Luv it.